The Idiot's Guide to Being Dead
by Anonymous Nerds
Summary: Duke Roger of Conte has lots of experience in the area of being dead. Some say that he is soon to have a degree in Deathology but that's rather irrelevant! Here is a guide to assist you in the noble art of being dead.


A.N: Ok, this is dedicated to Georgia and Olivia, our ever morbid weirdos (which is why we love you). So, without further ado... may we present…

THE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO BEING DEAD

By Duke Roger of Conté

My name is Duke Roger of Conte, and I am here to assist you in the practice of being dead. Really, being dead is an art form of sorts; one everyone should master.

I, personally, have my fair share of experience in this area, having been dead and then raised by a powerful sorcerer whom I later killed. (It's as they say – no good deed goes unpunished!) So, I'd like to instruct in the best way to being dead, deceased, departed and altogether lifeless. Although, I do suspect if you are interested in this topic you may already be exiled from the land of the living, and thus unable to read my work. This may mean that I have extremely poor sales. Nonetheless, I am relying on the endless fascination of morbid weirdos. They're always handy, those morbid weirdos. They're suitable for a variety of activities. They're quite easily moulded into evil minions, they enjoy carrying out fatal tasks, they buy books like this – oh, the list goes on. Also, if I do have poor sales then it doesn't really matter because I'm dead and hardly need the money.

Now some of you lucky buggers may experience a wonderful place that I like to call the Land Of The Dead. I myself escaped its lovely clutches, being a sorcerer. I laid a spell on myself to cause some delightful shenanigans where I did not, in fact, die. Much. Well, a bit. If you count the whole thing with the coffin, and the stopped heart, and various other things which could be considered as deathly. But I did not die! Anyway, if you are like me, you may find yourself trapped in an infernal coffin. I am eternally sorry for you. It's not a very pleasant experience. Let's hope that your mortal (or immortal 'because the damn cross-dresser just won't die!) enemy's twin brother is there to save the day. For you, of course. Not for him, or the rest of the world. In fact, it's actually a statistical improbability that the twin brother would save you, because, to be honest, there aren't that many twins born every year. And what are the chances of them _all_ being a force of good (Or, as I like to say, evil)? I consider myself one hell of a lucky bastard.

So, let's say you are dead. The world is still turning outside your coffin but inside the infernal place you are not turning (unless your ghastly relations buried you in a blender). If you are in a blender, I hope you do not intend to get a refund on this book after I say - _I CAN'T HELP YOU_! Because, frankly, I don't think the shop will want the book back after it's been drenched in your dead gizzards. Also, if you are in a blender I suggest that you drop the book because there's not much that anyone can do for you. Assuming you are in fact in a blender then I suppose this book is already torn to shreds. Shame, really; Auntie Margaret was so pleased when she saw this in the shops. To all you blender-dwellers, I suppose you could assume the foetal position. It won't help, but it won't hurt! Well, it might hurt a bit…I wouldn't know, I've never been in a blender myself.

Blenders aside, I'd like to say a big hello to all you people in coffins. Truly, a coffin is probably the best place to reside in your dead-state. I guess you would prefer to not be dead at all, but if you are reading this book then it is probably too late to be having these thoughts. Unless you are a morbid weirdo, and not actually dead. If so, then hello to you as well!

Ok, coffins. Now, there's not much room in those infernal things so you need something small to keep you amused. I'm afraid that means no chess, books or mock duels. Mock duels might be a bit hard - unless you are buried with your spouse. If so you are one lucky person. Because, I can tell you, there are a lot of fun things to do with your spouse – and I don't just have mock duels in mind…

Now, the best coffin I would suggest would be a big one. Nice and roomy, bit of satin, good quality wood. Maybe a few nice scented things. Counteracts the dead smell a bit, you know. I myself kept my body in a Sorcerer's Sleep so as to prevent this problem. I still got stocked with those nice scented things, though. Lucky. I had nothing else to eat. They do make you feel a bit sick afterwards though. Pack your own mints, maybe.

If you have written your will, hopefully you will have included what you want to be buried with. It's not like that holiday to Pirate's Swoop when you forgot your socks and someone rode home and got them for you. See, no one is going to want to open your coffin unless they are raising you from the dead, which is unlikely because you have to be pretty damn powerful to do that. Also, the only people powerful enough to do it are dead, just like you. I am one such person. Sorry. Honestly, if I were alive today I would raise you from the dead in an instant.

As to what to do in your infernal place of the afterlife, I suggest you make up stories. I myself made up lots of stories. You could also try making up a language. I was actually the wonderful person who came up with Sigh Language. _Ladies please, oh thank you, thank you! It's too much!_ Anyway, you could try sniffles. Another fun game is to count the number of people who come to pay respects. Of course, I myself got a tad depressed playing this game. Two people came to see me. You'd think more people would come to pay respect to their almost-king but nooooooo! Jeez, the non-attendance is disheartening.

I think that's really all there is to the whole dead thing. I hope this book has helped you immensely.

Cheers, Duke Roger of Conté.


End file.
